I’m reading this book by Erwin McManus called “Wide Awake,” and I cannot tell you how inspired I am just after the very first chapter. Such revelation…challenge…thoughts…I supposed it’s just what I need at this season of life.
“Your dreams are God’s way of whispering into your soul, ‘There’s more to you than you know. There’s more available to you than you can imagine. There’s an extraordinary life awaiting you if you would trust Me.’” (page 22)
How amazing is the human heart? Just in reading those few lines, I am overcome by a flood of emotion: Excitement, fear, curiosity, a sense of value and purpose, and a small weight of responsibility. I guess the scariest part about it is that I am also left with the question, “What are my dreams?”
The Princeton Dictionary defines these types of dreams as: an ambition or cherished desire. Personally, I like the phrase “cherished desire” mostly because it appeals to your soul and makes you think more about your deepest longings and less about the things that you are “good” at. A dream isn’t even necessarily the thing that you want to accomplish in the next 5 years. What Erwin is referring to is that deep, mostly unspoken desire that no one but maybe your journal knows about…that “cherished desire” that makes your heart heat up and can make your stomach fall. Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking to myself, “Do I even know how to dream anymore?”
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, 4 that unless we are like little children, we will never see the Kingdom of heaven. Erwin McManus says that Jesus uses the children to make a point because children have imagination. Could it be that as adults, we have lost just enough imagination that we are unable to dream as we were created to dream?
In the book “The Last Battle,” the final of C.S. Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia” series, one of the main children called Susan never makes her way to Aslan’s undying lands because she has chosen “…nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on growing up” (page 506, “The Complete Chronicles of Narnia”). The thing that saddens me so much about Susan is that she had already been to Narnia. Susan had already partially lived a dream, but somewhere in her longing to grow up she forgot her imagination and gave into the distractions of the “adult” world.
God forbid that I am ever like Susan in this respect. I believe Narnia’s Lady Polly put it best: “Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one’s life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can” (page 506).
How many people rush to get into the “real world,” and then allow it to impose upon their soul’s greatest desires? Sadly for many of us, things like abuse and tragedy have robbed enough of our innocence to make us feel like our dreams aren’t worth much (if anything) at all.
But as Erwin McManus says, what if Jesus Himself stood before me and asked me to my face, “Mandy, what do you want?” What would I even say? Do I remember what my dreams are, or would I settle for asking Him to do something like pay off our credit card bills, or make me slimmer, or give Carston that sea kayak he’s wanted for ages? I say that these things would be settling because I believe that God wants me (and you) to dream BIGGER. The bigger I dream, the more He can show off!
This moment, I am thinking of what I would ask Jesus. One thought I have is for Him to alleviate poverty, sickness, abuse and starvation among children…that’s definitely a dream I have. But I sense His response: “NO Mandy, because then what part would YOU get to play if I just wave a magic wand? Mandy, don’t you get it…I want to USE YOU…and in using you, you are fulfilled.”
So what is my dream for me then? I think the answer is found in what makes me most alive.
Saint Irenaeus is known for having said, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Saint Irenaeus must have been talking about my friend Daryl. You see, Daryl is a powerful minister who moves quite “prophetically.” This means that Daryl hears from God pretty much all the time. It sounds crazy, but Daryl has a relationship with God that is so strong, God tells him encouraging things to say to people, mostly so that they can find healing for their hearts and come to know Jesus Christ. There is little as wonderful as when Daryl hears from God. He comes ALIVE…not like someone on speed or as if he’s had too many anti-depressants or anything like that. It’s more like the “life” you see when a 6 year old opens that much desired toy on Christmas morning, or the beauty and energy that you find on a wedding day. Sadly though, these two illustrations barely describe what I mean…
“The glory of God is man fully alive.” I believe that when Daryl ministers to someone in this way, God is brought great glory. But not because of the fact that Daryl is doing something for God; God is glorified because Daryl does what we was created to do. He was created to minister in this specific way, and I believe that I was as well. But our dreams for how we fulfil this are different. Likewise, some of my friends were created for business and not ministry, which glorifies God as well.
We can bring glory to God in many ways. But to be THE GLORY OF GOD…we have to find ourselves fully alive (like Daryl). And to be fully alive, we need a crazy trust in God and an imagination that allows us to dream, despite living in the adult world.
I’m still not sure what I “want,” but I do know that I do NOT want to be like Susan.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Moon Photo
Carston took a photo of me on the north coast of NSW in Australia. The moon is out and full, and I'm standing beneath it with my arms stretched upward, giving the illusion that I'm holding up the moon with my hands.
I HATE this photo.
Growing up, I often heard my Mom and Aunts make the statement like "you must learn to be happy with yourself." It was often said in the context of weight or weight loss, and has stuck with me these 30 years. There is merit in this little statement; it's true to the extent that the weight will never stay off (ie. you'll never be happy) until you learn that your value is not in how you look. I can focus on the negatives (for example, my face looks horribly chubby in this "moon photo'') but then I am devaluing myself by missing the positives (like the fact that my smile is beautiful in the photo). Somehow though, I missed the positives that night. And as a result of being unhappy with myself, my precious husband was affected and slightly regretted taking the stupid photo.
Now I know that this situation is a ridiculous, extreme example of what I want to say, and I can assure you it does not happen regularly. But it did cause me to really start thinking about the fact that how we FEEL affects others, and especially affects how we LOVE others. It also challenged me to follow my Mom's advice and learn to be happy with myself—not for the only sake of my sanity, but also for the sake of others in my world (such as my husband). What I've found is that a person who isn't happy with himself will not fully understand the power behind truly loving another. The person's concept of "love" is skewed by how they feel about themself. I am convinced that most people unknowingly settle for "good love" in their relationships because they haven't learned to really love themselves. A person who has learned to love himself/herself has traded the ability to love in a good way for the enjoyment of loving greatly.
This is a whole other topic on its on, but keep with me for a moment as I go down another trail (a trail that has little to do with weight issues, before you think this is a self-esteem essay)...
The Bible says in Matthew 22:34-40 that Jesus' greatest commandment is for man to love God, and then love his neighbour as himself. As an adult, I certainly realize the difficulty in loving my neighbour. I work in a café and don't love all of our customers. My literal neighbour who lives in our building stole a whole box of washing powder from our laundry room, and I don't love her very much right now. There's a person at my church that I avoid at parties because "love" is the furthest word from what I actually feel for them! Even as I write this, there's an annoying teenager outside that I would love to chuck raw eggs at (not a very loving action in most cultures).
So I guess here's the real dilemma for most of us. We have little idea how to really love ourselves (often a more private, secret problem), and loving others tends to conveniently infringe upon our "rights" as humans…that was sarcasm….so we take the easy road and hide our dislike for ourselves while we justify our inability to love others with baloney philosophies that give the appearance that we are caring for ourselves. And the sad truth is that when we act in this way, everyone misses out. We are enabled to keep hiding our unhealthy dislike for ourselves, and others miss out on the beauty of being loved by us.
Was Jesus giving us a command that is impossible to follow when He said to love God and love others? Much of the world can't work out how to love itself, much less truly love those around them even when they desire to do so. It's an example to a much lesser degree, but I couldn't even be happy with a photo of myself! The great apostle Paul gives some insight in Romans 7:15-25, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do….for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out…what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I'm not quite sure how this works….sometimes I feel like it is fairytale magic or something…but God transforms us. He makes all things possible, even love. Jesus says in John chapter 15:5, "apart from me, you can do nothing." And Paul has the beautiful revelation in Romans 8:1 that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (some translations say that Jesus set us free from "a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death"). 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we are "new creations in Christ, the old is gone and the new is come."
I think it is best worded in 2 Peter 1:3: "His [Jesus'] divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." The answer is in Jesus, who has made a way for us to love. And God, in His goodness, even covers our backs because Paul tells us in Philippians 1:6, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." He's still working on me, which means I don't have to be perfect, even in the way that I love!
Imagine a lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of how you feel about yourself or about others. I lost the battle for myself that night when I looked at the "moon photo," but by God's grace I can daily choose to remember where to find my value. And whether I am learning to love myself or my "neighbours," I know that apart from Him, I can only refrain from throwing raw eggs at teenagers heads or keep myself from jumping over a café counter to punch rude customers in the nose. Thanks to Jesus I can openly admit that I don't always like myself…and I can also love others even when I don't love myself.
I still hate that photo, but it has reminded me that Jesus is the only way to be free to enjoy a full life of great love.
Besides, I don't think I could jump high enough to clear the counter anyway.... :)
I HATE this photo.
Growing up, I often heard my Mom and Aunts make the statement like "you must learn to be happy with yourself." It was often said in the context of weight or weight loss, and has stuck with me these 30 years. There is merit in this little statement; it's true to the extent that the weight will never stay off (ie. you'll never be happy) until you learn that your value is not in how you look. I can focus on the negatives (for example, my face looks horribly chubby in this "moon photo'') but then I am devaluing myself by missing the positives (like the fact that my smile is beautiful in the photo). Somehow though, I missed the positives that night. And as a result of being unhappy with myself, my precious husband was affected and slightly regretted taking the stupid photo.
Now I know that this situation is a ridiculous, extreme example of what I want to say, and I can assure you it does not happen regularly. But it did cause me to really start thinking about the fact that how we FEEL affects others, and especially affects how we LOVE others. It also challenged me to follow my Mom's advice and learn to be happy with myself—not for the only sake of my sanity, but also for the sake of others in my world (such as my husband). What I've found is that a person who isn't happy with himself will not fully understand the power behind truly loving another. The person's concept of "love" is skewed by how they feel about themself. I am convinced that most people unknowingly settle for "good love" in their relationships because they haven't learned to really love themselves. A person who has learned to love himself/herself has traded the ability to love in a good way for the enjoyment of loving greatly.
This is a whole other topic on its on, but keep with me for a moment as I go down another trail (a trail that has little to do with weight issues, before you think this is a self-esteem essay)...
The Bible says in Matthew 22:34-40 that Jesus' greatest commandment is for man to love God, and then love his neighbour as himself. As an adult, I certainly realize the difficulty in loving my neighbour. I work in a café and don't love all of our customers. My literal neighbour who lives in our building stole a whole box of washing powder from our laundry room, and I don't love her very much right now. There's a person at my church that I avoid at parties because "love" is the furthest word from what I actually feel for them! Even as I write this, there's an annoying teenager outside that I would love to chuck raw eggs at (not a very loving action in most cultures).
So I guess here's the real dilemma for most of us. We have little idea how to really love ourselves (often a more private, secret problem), and loving others tends to conveniently infringe upon our "rights" as humans…that was sarcasm….so we take the easy road and hide our dislike for ourselves while we justify our inability to love others with baloney philosophies that give the appearance that we are caring for ourselves. And the sad truth is that when we act in this way, everyone misses out. We are enabled to keep hiding our unhealthy dislike for ourselves, and others miss out on the beauty of being loved by us.
Was Jesus giving us a command that is impossible to follow when He said to love God and love others? Much of the world can't work out how to love itself, much less truly love those around them even when they desire to do so. It's an example to a much lesser degree, but I couldn't even be happy with a photo of myself! The great apostle Paul gives some insight in Romans 7:15-25, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do….for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out…what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I'm not quite sure how this works….sometimes I feel like it is fairytale magic or something…but God transforms us. He makes all things possible, even love. Jesus says in John chapter 15:5, "apart from me, you can do nothing." And Paul has the beautiful revelation in Romans 8:1 that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (some translations say that Jesus set us free from "a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death"). 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we are "new creations in Christ, the old is gone and the new is come."
I think it is best worded in 2 Peter 1:3: "His [Jesus'] divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." The answer is in Jesus, who has made a way for us to love. And God, in His goodness, even covers our backs because Paul tells us in Philippians 1:6, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." He's still working on me, which means I don't have to be perfect, even in the way that I love!
Imagine a lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of how you feel about yourself or about others. I lost the battle for myself that night when I looked at the "moon photo," but by God's grace I can daily choose to remember where to find my value. And whether I am learning to love myself or my "neighbours," I know that apart from Him, I can only refrain from throwing raw eggs at teenagers heads or keep myself from jumping over a café counter to punch rude customers in the nose. Thanks to Jesus I can openly admit that I don't always like myself…and I can also love others even when I don't love myself.
I still hate that photo, but it has reminded me that Jesus is the only way to be free to enjoy a full life of great love.
Besides, I don't think I could jump high enough to clear the counter anyway.... :)
Beautifully Flawed
Wow…I realized today, Saturday the 29th of December 2007, that I am truly flawed.
I had brunch with my dear friend Kia today. We often try to meet up once a week or at least a fortnight to chat about life. I love meeting with Kia because it’s one of those great friendships that’s just not hard (well, it shouldn’t be hard after having shared a room for two years and going through some pretty personal stuff together). I always enjoy meeting up with Kia, and today was much overdue.
We chatted about all sorts of things….or should I say I chatted about all sorts of things. However, it was at a specific point….45 minutes into the meeting after all my eggs were gone and she had licked all the yoghurt off her spoon while I played with the burnt crusts of my left over toast and our skin tingled as it baked in the beach sun…. when I realized that my meeting with Kia had been just that. MY time with Kia. I found myself asking her (finally) how she was doing and if she enjoyed Christmas and how long her break was for and what Church service she’d be at over the weekend and if she was planning on going to be on the beach all of that afternoon. I didn’t feel guilty or obliged (I love Kia and was genuinely interested in her day), but that’s when it hit me. The revelation was quite firm and heavy, yet a refreshing wave that came crashing down on me…I am flawed.
Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that I haven’t spent 29 years thinking that I am perfect. In fact, I’ve probably spent my first 19 years of life thinking that I was screwed up. I went on to spend the next 5 years thinking that no one could see my imperfections if I just became a “leader” in Church, or a pastor or minister of some sort (yes yes I know, flawed AND daft), and then I spent the last 3 years in Australia struggling to renew my mind and unravel the heavily twisted knot of lies that I had always been told and believed about myself….especially the lie that I had something to prove to make up for my failures. So when I say at age 29 that I am “flawed,” what I’m really saying is that I am actually learning to be FREE.
I had a conversation awhile back with my amazing husband about our sin nature. I remember quoting something that I had heard at one of my past Churches back home that I thought was quite profound. The quote, which I was certain would impress my husband, actually showed the measure to which I believed lies in my heart. The quote, which I had thought brought me freedom, actually confirmed a lie that I had believed about my identity in Christ. Since that time, while I’m sure my amazing man has prayed for my “lights to come on” so to speak, I have wrestled with pride.
Perhaps author Beth Moore puts it best: “The most effective means the enemy has to keep believers from being full of the Holy Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves.”[1] Jeremiah 49:16 says that the pride in your heart deceives you. I always thought that being “full of yourself” meant either thinking too highly of yourself (conceit or vanity), or putting down on yourself (false humility). But what I’ve been learning lately is that our heart deceives us when we fight in our own strength to hide or justify the very thing that Jesus died to set us free from….our flawed selves.
Too much of my life has been spent trying to prove that I am “above” my flaws, hence putting a pressure on myself that has often had me internally tied in knots, even literally sick in bed. Somehow my mind knew that I was flawed….but the lie I had believed said that since I am now a “saint” in Christ (and a Church leader at that), I was only expected to sin occasionally. As you can imagine, this is hellish torture for someone as selfish as me! And I use the term “hellish” because that’s exactly where the lie and torture belongs…in the pits of hell.
I’ve also been reading a book called “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller. If you haven’t read it, you simply must. This book is a God-send for me because the author is so incredibly real. Personally, I’ve never lied about my failures; I’ve just learned to manipulate and use my flaws to make me appear to be “real,” therefore a more noble “leader”, which then (in my twisted thoughts) somehow may prove to others that I am “ok” despite my failures….if that makes sense. Little did I realize that I was metaphorically returning the chains to my wrists and ankles that Jesus had already taken off of me. “God’s most liberated servants are those who also know they have nothing to prove” (Beth Moore again).
I just read Romans chapters 7 & 8 with new eyes. “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good but I cannot carry it out…What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
As one of my favourite pastors once spontaneously shouted out at me in a Bible College lecture, “YOU WILL STUFF UP! YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES! Your only hope is GRACE.” And it’s because of this grace that I can say over and over again, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed!
I’m really glad that I had brunch with Kia today. I’m glad my husband has been praying for me, and I’m glad for books like “Blue Like Jazz.” I’m glad that I can admit to you that I’m selfish. I can openly say that I usually think about my own pleasures, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation, and I often worry too much what others think of me. I am FLAWED…and that fact makes Jesus (and myself) so much more beautiful to me J
[1] Beth Moore’s book “Praying God’s Word,” page 57.
I had brunch with my dear friend Kia today. We often try to meet up once a week or at least a fortnight to chat about life. I love meeting with Kia because it’s one of those great friendships that’s just not hard (well, it shouldn’t be hard after having shared a room for two years and going through some pretty personal stuff together). I always enjoy meeting up with Kia, and today was much overdue.
We chatted about all sorts of things….or should I say I chatted about all sorts of things. However, it was at a specific point….45 minutes into the meeting after all my eggs were gone and she had licked all the yoghurt off her spoon while I played with the burnt crusts of my left over toast and our skin tingled as it baked in the beach sun…. when I realized that my meeting with Kia had been just that. MY time with Kia. I found myself asking her (finally) how she was doing and if she enjoyed Christmas and how long her break was for and what Church service she’d be at over the weekend and if she was planning on going to be on the beach all of that afternoon. I didn’t feel guilty or obliged (I love Kia and was genuinely interested in her day), but that’s when it hit me. The revelation was quite firm and heavy, yet a refreshing wave that came crashing down on me…I am flawed.
Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that I haven’t spent 29 years thinking that I am perfect. In fact, I’ve probably spent my first 19 years of life thinking that I was screwed up. I went on to spend the next 5 years thinking that no one could see my imperfections if I just became a “leader” in Church, or a pastor or minister of some sort (yes yes I know, flawed AND daft), and then I spent the last 3 years in Australia struggling to renew my mind and unravel the heavily twisted knot of lies that I had always been told and believed about myself….especially the lie that I had something to prove to make up for my failures. So when I say at age 29 that I am “flawed,” what I’m really saying is that I am actually learning to be FREE.
I had a conversation awhile back with my amazing husband about our sin nature. I remember quoting something that I had heard at one of my past Churches back home that I thought was quite profound. The quote, which I was certain would impress my husband, actually showed the measure to which I believed lies in my heart. The quote, which I had thought brought me freedom, actually confirmed a lie that I had believed about my identity in Christ. Since that time, while I’m sure my amazing man has prayed for my “lights to come on” so to speak, I have wrestled with pride.
Perhaps author Beth Moore puts it best: “The most effective means the enemy has to keep believers from being full of the Holy Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves.”[1] Jeremiah 49:16 says that the pride in your heart deceives you. I always thought that being “full of yourself” meant either thinking too highly of yourself (conceit or vanity), or putting down on yourself (false humility). But what I’ve been learning lately is that our heart deceives us when we fight in our own strength to hide or justify the very thing that Jesus died to set us free from….our flawed selves.
Too much of my life has been spent trying to prove that I am “above” my flaws, hence putting a pressure on myself that has often had me internally tied in knots, even literally sick in bed. Somehow my mind knew that I was flawed….but the lie I had believed said that since I am now a “saint” in Christ (and a Church leader at that), I was only expected to sin occasionally. As you can imagine, this is hellish torture for someone as selfish as me! And I use the term “hellish” because that’s exactly where the lie and torture belongs…in the pits of hell.
I’ve also been reading a book called “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller. If you haven’t read it, you simply must. This book is a God-send for me because the author is so incredibly real. Personally, I’ve never lied about my failures; I’ve just learned to manipulate and use my flaws to make me appear to be “real,” therefore a more noble “leader”, which then (in my twisted thoughts) somehow may prove to others that I am “ok” despite my failures….if that makes sense. Little did I realize that I was metaphorically returning the chains to my wrists and ankles that Jesus had already taken off of me. “God’s most liberated servants are those who also know they have nothing to prove” (Beth Moore again).
I just read Romans chapters 7 & 8 with new eyes. “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good but I cannot carry it out…What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
As one of my favourite pastors once spontaneously shouted out at me in a Bible College lecture, “YOU WILL STUFF UP! YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES! Your only hope is GRACE.” And it’s because of this grace that I can say over and over again, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed!
I’m really glad that I had brunch with Kia today. I’m glad my husband has been praying for me, and I’m glad for books like “Blue Like Jazz.” I’m glad that I can admit to you that I’m selfish. I can openly say that I usually think about my own pleasures, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation, and I often worry too much what others think of me. I am FLAWED…and that fact makes Jesus (and myself) so much more beautiful to me J
[1] Beth Moore’s book “Praying God’s Word,” page 57.
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