Someone once told me that I have the ability to write well because I am passionate, honest, and real. Sure, I am honest about my struggles and real about the fact that I DO struggle. So if I’m reeeeeeaaaaally honest, I’d admit that I have never written about my salvation experience (my Life Story) because for many years I was ashamed of my past. How ironic that for so long, I missed the whole point of my salvation.
The truth is, if you read nothing else of this story, all you really need to know about me is this: Jesus rescued me. Not just from “hell”, but from myself. He rescued me, gave me beauty for the ashes of my life (as seen in Isaiah 61:3), and then restored me and gave me so much more in life than I ever deserved.
So if you’re still reading my story, I guess I better start at the beginning with all the gory details. I grew up as an only child in a Christian family in America’s “bible belt” where there is almost literally a Church on every corner. I attended quite religious Churches where I was always made to feel crappy about SOMETHING that I wasn’t doing or should be doing. I know it wasn’t their intention, but these “religious experiences” really wounded my heart and left me feeling like I’d never be “good enough.”
Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, but I realized quickly that doing excellent in school and making the best grades in the class was certain to gain me great attention and make me feel better about myself. I’m so thankful to say that my parents were never guilty of ever making me feel like I had to perform for their approval; however, something inside of me constantly felt like I had to be the best to be approved by people, even by other kids (I rathered being a “nerd” than not noticed at all). I learned to despise myself if I wasn’t “the best.” But by the time that 6th & 7th grade came along, I realized that there were kids much smarter and more talented than me. I remember 8th grade when I only won 3 of the big 5 awards the grade offered, and I was devastated and deeply shamed for weeks after. Again, I had proved to myself that I wasn’t “special.”
8th grade is also when boys began to notice me. In this I found a less arduous way to get attention to fill the emptiness in my heart and silence the voices that constantly accused me of being “messed up.” I was still involved in Church, but because my behaviour with the boys was less than “godly” in some ways, I was often at the center of gossip. Some of the kids even felt the need to tell me all the hurtful things that their parents had said about me. My poor heart was a mess, so I learned to lie to keep the “Church people” happy.
By 10th grade boys were an addiction. I was always too afraid to try drugs, but male attention seemed to be the thing that kept me going. I was also too “religious” to have sex, but other physical things seemed ok for me. My heart grew further away from the Church because of how I was treated, and the deep shame that I lived with kept me from God. I usually only went to Church to see a boy that I liked and make my parents happy. I lived with this cognitive dissonance between my head and heart. I knew that God was real and I believed in Jesus, but I was so driven by emotions and the desire to be special and liked, I often denied my God and chose to settle for things, actions, and people that I actually hated because I "thought" I needed it. I had no idea at that time that it was God all along who could fulfil me in the ways I so longed for.
The longer high school went on, the more things I got into: alcohol, lying to my parents and friends, making up stories just to feel included. My physical boundaries began to disappear, and every time I lied, cheated on a boyfriend, crossed another sexual boundary or stabbed a girlfriend in the back, I deeply loathed myself. I’d spend my private times in tears, vowing to God that I’d never do it again. But then something else would make me feel crappy…so back to the old habits I’d go. And in crept my old friend "shame" again. And then along came more self-repugnance. By 17 years old I had crossed all physical boundaries possible with boys and my heart was actually ripped to shreds. I didn’t even know how to be a friend now, and my social skills resembled co-dependency more than anything else.
University began in August 1996, and I thought I’d study Acting. It would be a new beginning, a fresh start, and I could have a new identity and new friends who didn’t know me or my past. I had been away from Church for awhile, but joined up with the BCM, a Christian organization on my campus. I was meeting so many new Christian people, and some of them seemed to have “something” that I didn’t have but really wanted. Some of the girls seemed so much more secure than me, and there was a sense of health in many of their friendships. They embraced me in a way that my past Church youth group had not.
BUT…there was also the older guy in the theatre department that showed interest in me. So as I continued to choose to feed my insecurity and pain with male attention, I found myself away from God completely and deeper in the world's philosophies than I had ever been. Clubs, alcohol and lies prevailed in my life. My skirts got shorter, my outlook on life got darker, I forgot how to dream about my future, and my shattered heart now grew hard. Shame became what drove me instead of the approval that I had sought for so long. I even turned my back on the few girlfriends that had tried to reach out to me (Wendy & Kelly, I will always love you).
I’m so glad that God never left my side. Even when I was out at the clubs and doing things I actually despised, it seemed like I saw things everywhere or even met people that reminded me of Jesus. He always had a plan for me.
At age 19, after a night of which the horrible details I will not mention, I MET JESUS. I didn’t read about Him in my Bible or listen to some preacher tell me about Him or have an emotional high at some summer youth camp…HE came to me. It happened one night while I was lying in bed completely full of fear (I thought I was either pregnant or had HIV...neither of which were a reality, Praise God). It was in the darkest point of the night when your heart hurts the most and the negative voices become the loudest…Jesus held my hand. Whether or not it was a dream, I don’t care. All I know is that Jesus literally and physically held my hand. And instead of self-revulsion and torment, my Mom’s words resonated from a few nights before…”Mandy, you’re old enough to make your own decisions, but you need to remember that God created you for something much bigger and better than all this…” It’s at that point that I think I really MET JESUS and gave my whole life to Him. It's like I saw things with different eyes..
I remembered the BCM. I went back there the following week and spoke to Brenda, the minister there, who embraced me despite my brutal honesty and fear of being rejected again. I then left the theatre department to study Sociology, and made some healthy female friendships at the BCM that led me closer to both Jesus and health. In April of 1998, God again came to me (at my request) and empowered me by giving me the fullness of the Holy Spirit. I have never been the same, and I also thank BRENDA CRIM to this day for the influence she had on my life.
I’d be lying if I said it was easy after that. There were layers of insecurities, unhealthy learned defence mechanisms and wrong thinking that I have had to shed through things such as counselling and attending Hillsong College in Sydney. There have been people I’ve had to forgive (including myself), and lessons in love that I’ve had to learn. The difference is that NOW, I don’t have to dull the pain with an addiction or with lies, and I can feel special without having a co-dependent relationship.
I’ll be even more brutally honest with you…even as a born-again Christian, I spent years trying to go back to this old way of existing! I realized a few years before coming to Australia that I could not settle for just “existence” in my old life because Jesus has given me a brand NEW life. For me, it’s no longer about existing with a few occasional “good days”; it’s about living everyday without the torrent of shame and voices that tell me there is something wrong with me, and that I’m not good enough. I now live a life where my Jesus and my healthy Church daily reminds me that I AM LOVED. I now have a reason to live that is bigger than just my own self. I’m now proud to say that I even go to Church. Life is not the same.
The Bible best summarizes my story (and every born-again Christian’s story) in Ephesians 2:1-10: “It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do.”
And in saying all of that, I’ll end with another few scriptures that explain why I do what I do, and where my life is going.
Philippians 3:7-9 and 12-14: 7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith…. 12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Acts 20:24: However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
And THAT is my story. It can be yours too, if you want it....
Friday, October 3, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
TRUST
In my experience of our great and mighty Lord, He has always been gentle and kind in the way He teaches me. Even in the midst of great discipline (because as a Father, he disciplines those He loves), He has never made me feel condemnation or shame for my behaviour (or lack of understanding). God is a gentleman, and will never leave your side while you're learning to restructure your thinking, or learn new behavior patterns, or even give up bad habits. He is FULL of grace, even when you screw up time and time again.
In saying that, I know that our beautiful God would be much more gracious in His words and actions than what I am about to say, but I am not Him. I needed someone to say it to me recently, so I am going to say it to you: IF you call yourself a "Christian" or one who follows Jesus, THEN YOU MUST LEARN TO TRUST GOD!
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died for our sins?
Do you believe that God is "all powerful" and that He can do anything?
Do you believe that He cares about you?
Do you believe that He cares about what your future looks like, and how you fit into it?
Do you believe that you MATTER to Him?
If you answered yes to these questions (even only "most" of them)..........then what gives you and I the audacity to WORRY about things????
When I say "worry, " I'm not talking about asking for prayer about a sick relative or a financial situation gone wrong, or a broken relationship. God loves it when we come to Him in prayer and ask Him to show off His muscles and help us. I'm talking about when we get so consumed with these issues that it turns into actual WORRY and we can hardly concentrate on the beautiful things because we are being tormented by thoughts of the things that concern us.
There's the famous passage in Matthew chapter 6 that I can read over and over again about worry. God's words don't return void, so that would definitely help. BUT, what I've come to realize is that many believers use Matt.6 as a "band aid" to help for the time being, but in reality they don't actually BELIEVE God.
So I'm SHOUTING IT OUT today (for my own benefit, and yours), that GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. He's faithful, isn't he? Jesus said that the devil was the "father of lies," not God (John 8:44)....so if God is TRUTH, LOVE, KINDNESS, FAITHFUL....If he always keeps His promises because HE CANNOT DO ANYTHING ELSE...then why don't we believe Him?
The Bible also says that God is not a liar...that He cannot change...that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So if this is true as well, then it's simple: He has to keep His promises. It is not in His nature or capacity to do otherwise. God must remain faithful.
So if God promises to "not harm you," then you will not be harmed unless you allow harm to come upon yourself (again, because of His free will to you). See some of His promises below:
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
And again, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
What about Psalm 89:33, "..but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness."
And Psalm 91:9,10, "If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the Lord, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent."
Isaiah 45: 2, 3, "I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
Finally, Jesus Himself proclaims in John 10:10, "The thief [satan] comes only to kill, steal, and destroy. But I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full!"
So if God cannot lie.....if God MUST keep His promises to us.....then why do we worry? WHY WORRY?????
I know this isn't my usual writing style but I am really fired up about this today. I have spent almost 30 years of my life being WORRIED about things that ALWAYS have worked out better than I could have imagined. And I watch my friends and family get sucked into the same lies that I have....being tormented by worry that God sees as a little speck of nothingness He can easily wipe away.
Trust God. And if you can't......maybe you need to get to know Him again (or for the first time). Our trust in Him is one of the keys that separates us as Christians from the rest of the world.
In saying that, I know that our beautiful God would be much more gracious in His words and actions than what I am about to say, but I am not Him. I needed someone to say it to me recently, so I am going to say it to you: IF you call yourself a "Christian" or one who follows Jesus, THEN YOU MUST LEARN TO TRUST GOD!
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died for our sins?
Do you believe that God is "all powerful" and that He can do anything?
Do you believe that He cares about you?
Do you believe that He cares about what your future looks like, and how you fit into it?
Do you believe that you MATTER to Him?
If you answered yes to these questions (even only "most" of them)..........then what gives you and I the audacity to WORRY about things????
When I say "worry, " I'm not talking about asking for prayer about a sick relative or a financial situation gone wrong, or a broken relationship. God loves it when we come to Him in prayer and ask Him to show off His muscles and help us. I'm talking about when we get so consumed with these issues that it turns into actual WORRY and we can hardly concentrate on the beautiful things because we are being tormented by thoughts of the things that concern us.
There's the famous passage in Matthew chapter 6 that I can read over and over again about worry. God's words don't return void, so that would definitely help. BUT, what I've come to realize is that many believers use Matt.6 as a "band aid" to help for the time being, but in reality they don't actually BELIEVE God.
So I'm SHOUTING IT OUT today (for my own benefit, and yours), that GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. He's faithful, isn't he? Jesus said that the devil was the "father of lies," not God (John 8:44)....so if God is TRUTH, LOVE, KINDNESS, FAITHFUL....If he always keeps His promises because HE CANNOT DO ANYTHING ELSE...then why don't we believe Him?
The Bible also says that God is not a liar...that He cannot change...that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So if this is true as well, then it's simple: He has to keep His promises. It is not in His nature or capacity to do otherwise. God must remain faithful.
So if God promises to "not harm you," then you will not be harmed unless you allow harm to come upon yourself (again, because of His free will to you). See some of His promises below:
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
And again, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
What about Psalm 89:33, "..but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness."
And Psalm 91:9,10, "If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the Lord, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent."
Isaiah 45: 2, 3, "I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
Finally, Jesus Himself proclaims in John 10:10, "The thief [satan] comes only to kill, steal, and destroy. But I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full!"
So if God cannot lie.....if God MUST keep His promises to us.....then why do we worry? WHY WORRY?????
I know this isn't my usual writing style but I am really fired up about this today. I have spent almost 30 years of my life being WORRIED about things that ALWAYS have worked out better than I could have imagined. And I watch my friends and family get sucked into the same lies that I have....being tormented by worry that God sees as a little speck of nothingness He can easily wipe away.
Trust God. And if you can't......maybe you need to get to know Him again (or for the first time). Our trust in Him is one of the keys that separates us as Christians from the rest of the world.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Wide Awake
When I realized a few years ago that being called to “full time ministry” may not look like what I imagined, I thought the best way to “build the Kingdom” was simply to pour my life and spare time into volunteering. I thought that working part time in a café and spending all extra time serving at Church would not only fulfil me, but would also be the deciding factor of whether or not I was living a “full life” (and maybe even get me onto a Church staff). My greatest desire the past 4 years has been to live extraordinarily and not to settle for ordinary living. Somehow though, I allowed myself to believe that “extraordinary” could only be attained by diligently serving a Church structure (in a Christian bubble) until one day the desires of my heart would “magically” come true. This works for some because God does honour our faithfulness. But for me, getting out of the bubble and turning my heart toward GOD instead of ministry has been the key.
Slowly but surely, God has taken me on a journey of finding out why He created me and how He wants to use for His glory the things that I’ve always enjoyed doing. Somewhere along that path I realized that although I love the Church and believe that she (as the body and bride of Jesus) is the hope for humanity, I personally am created to do something outside of the walls and structure of the Church. I will serve the Church, believe in the Church, and support the Church with my finances. But I fully understood today, for the first time in years, that I am an ARTIST, created to colour my world with brighter colours than those with veiled eyes have ever seen! This is the desire of my heart, and I am finally wide awake enough to see that this is what “full time ministry” looks like for me.
Erwin McManus says in his book “Wide Awake” something that really grabs my heart. He says, “Every time you refuse to leave the world in the condition it is in, you are re-creating. Every time you extend yourself to make someone else’s life better, you are part of the creative process. You are adding beauty to the most important of all canvases…Creativity isn’t the luxury of artists; it is the calling of humanity. Because the world is in decay, you must create…Creativity is the natural result of spirituality. When you are alive, you will create—and it will be breathtaking and life giving.” (page 176).
I’m beginning to see that my function in this body of Christ is more about helping those with veiled eyes to see their own lives in colour. I want to keep introducing new hues to them, speak purpose into them, and let the Holy Spirit use me to teach them. Due to the way God made me, I would suffocate by being confined to only building a large canvas or mixing paint or restoring old masterpieces. I long and ache to be the artist who goes into the dirtiest, darkest parts of humanity and begins to paint with the brightest colours known. I want to be the writer commissioned by the Church to go into the most dangerous parts of nations and change the story of the people. I want to write a new history….I yearn to paint over the dark shades with brilliant new tones. I will point them in the direction of the Church and bring them in to be restored and hang in the gallery of the saints. But my greatest desire is just to meet with them in their own dark gardens and help them see beauty; not to build a canvas for them or get them included in a museum.
So for me, “extraordinary” looks like re-creating the world by focusing my passions, energies, and talents on what is in my own heart. Extraordinary means stepping back from some of my volunteering at Church to do other things. One of these things is risking my greatest fear (rejection) in order to work on writing something that will change someone’s life. It means using my spare time to paint canvases that will raise money for AIDS orphans and HIV positive women in Africa. It means learning Spanish fluently so that my husband and I can some day minister to the people group that is most on my heart. It means letting go of a fear of what “leadership” thinks of me so that I can live out what I know the Lord thinks of me.
It’s funny how even the colours in my own garden look so much brighter when I’m living wide awake….
Slowly but surely, God has taken me on a journey of finding out why He created me and how He wants to use for His glory the things that I’ve always enjoyed doing. Somewhere along that path I realized that although I love the Church and believe that she (as the body and bride of Jesus) is the hope for humanity, I personally am created to do something outside of the walls and structure of the Church. I will serve the Church, believe in the Church, and support the Church with my finances. But I fully understood today, for the first time in years, that I am an ARTIST, created to colour my world with brighter colours than those with veiled eyes have ever seen! This is the desire of my heart, and I am finally wide awake enough to see that this is what “full time ministry” looks like for me.
Erwin McManus says in his book “Wide Awake” something that really grabs my heart. He says, “Every time you refuse to leave the world in the condition it is in, you are re-creating. Every time you extend yourself to make someone else’s life better, you are part of the creative process. You are adding beauty to the most important of all canvases…Creativity isn’t the luxury of artists; it is the calling of humanity. Because the world is in decay, you must create…Creativity is the natural result of spirituality. When you are alive, you will create—and it will be breathtaking and life giving.” (page 176).
I’m beginning to see that my function in this body of Christ is more about helping those with veiled eyes to see their own lives in colour. I want to keep introducing new hues to them, speak purpose into them, and let the Holy Spirit use me to teach them. Due to the way God made me, I would suffocate by being confined to only building a large canvas or mixing paint or restoring old masterpieces. I long and ache to be the artist who goes into the dirtiest, darkest parts of humanity and begins to paint with the brightest colours known. I want to be the writer commissioned by the Church to go into the most dangerous parts of nations and change the story of the people. I want to write a new history….I yearn to paint over the dark shades with brilliant new tones. I will point them in the direction of the Church and bring them in to be restored and hang in the gallery of the saints. But my greatest desire is just to meet with them in their own dark gardens and help them see beauty; not to build a canvas for them or get them included in a museum.
So for me, “extraordinary” looks like re-creating the world by focusing my passions, energies, and talents on what is in my own heart. Extraordinary means stepping back from some of my volunteering at Church to do other things. One of these things is risking my greatest fear (rejection) in order to work on writing something that will change someone’s life. It means using my spare time to paint canvases that will raise money for AIDS orphans and HIV positive women in Africa. It means learning Spanish fluently so that my husband and I can some day minister to the people group that is most on my heart. It means letting go of a fear of what “leadership” thinks of me so that I can live out what I know the Lord thinks of me.
It’s funny how even the colours in my own garden look so much brighter when I’m living wide awake….
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Just Simply Sing--The Venezuelan Cow Story
I’m not sure if anyone has ever asked you what I’m about to ask you. In fact, I can almost 100% guarantee that no one has asked you this question before me! Here it is: Have you ever sang to a cow in the Andes Mountains of South America while at the front of a 3 car pile-up? Random, I know. But perhaps the funniest part about the question is that I can answer “yes” to it. Well, I can kind of answer yes to it. I wasn’t the person who actually sang to the cow, but I did witness this fortuitous display of vocal charm while doing a short term mission trip to Venezuela in 2001. And may I add that this is a day I will never forget!
Imagine in your mind’s eye a long, winding road going upward into the tropical mountains that you would see in a “National Geographic” magazine. Almost entirely rock and steep tropical jungle brush to one side, but on the other side…let’s just say if you hate heights you don’t want to look down! There is no railing on the “drop off” side, and the road is just barely wide enough for only the smallest of vehicles to pass. Now imagine yourself on an old bus that holds about 20 people. It’s dank, it’s humid and sticky, and the driver is a short, elderly Spanish man with a large belly and missing teeth. Rather like being in a movie, isn’t it?
I don’t really remember our destination that day, but images of that dim-witted cow are forever burned into my memory. You see, we were going up on this winding road in our old bus, and there were two small cars behind us. There aren’t really road rules in Venezuela (or should I say, road rules aren’t completely followed there), so we were actually racing up the mountain road. There were eleven of us, all a bit enthralled by the country side but likewise quite nervous at the speed the bus driver was taking. We were just coming up to a tropical area when we felt a jerk and the back of the bus (where I was sitting) swerved off the road, over the cliffs to one side, and then back onto the road again! You see, a cow had come from the jungle and made it’s way down onto the road in front of us, and would not move for anything. We stopped sharply, as did the two cars behind us, and our journey was put on hold while we tried to get the cow to go back up into the mountains so that we could continue. My heart still races even thinking about it all! But it was definitely a great personal lesson to me.
This is what I’m dealing with currently that I’m sure everyone can identify with: How can I get by when things are piling up around me and I feel like I can’t make it over the mountain? Proverbs 15:24 says “The path of life leads upward for the wise…”, but what happens when your journey “up” comes to a screeching halt because of a road block? How do you continue the journey to your destination when something suddenly blocks your path?
“ ‘Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord. ” –Isaiah 54:1
In Isaiah, the Hebrew word for “barren” means incapable of producing life; sterile. There will always be times in life when we feel “lifeless” and “sterile.” But the scripture says here that the person who is barren should SING, should burst into song and shout for joy. Even when we don’t know how to continue, “singing” will always work to get us through.
When a person sings praises to God, they are less likely to give up because their focus is not on their circumstances, but on the beauty of the Lord. Singing isn’t necessarily being on “Idol” level, either. Just opening your mouth and declaring the good things in your life…the goodness of God…is enough to make the road blocks disappear. Every human also has a small amount of influence in someone’s life. So when we allow these roadblocks to hold us back, we also hold back the people who are following us.
Now quickly back to the cow story. You see, the greatest part of this story is that we finally got the cow to move…but only after our bus driver SANG to it! I know it sounds absurd, but our beautiful little Spanish bus driver realized that the cow wasn’t going to move by force, so he simply sang an old Spanish love song to the animal. Literally within seconds, the cow hustled off into the mountain again, and we were able to continue on our journey with the two little cars also following behind us.
Based on what I learned that day, here are three things that I’m learning to do to “sing” my way over that mountain:
1. Make a choice.
--Deut.30:20 says “therefore, choose life…” It’s simply a choice.
-- Isa.54:1 begins with a lack of life (barren), but after singing, it ends with abundant life (more are the children of the desolate woman..)!
Imagine what you’d miss if you DIDN’T choose to sing….
2. Open your mouth.
--Rom.12:11 “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the
WORD of their testimony…” If you are a Christian, then this promise is
for you! What is your “testimony?” How has Jesus changed your life?
What are all the good things that God has done for you? After you make a
choice, all you have to do is verbalize it to God (and to your enemy).
3. Don’t give up.
--In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestles with God and doesn’t give up. He’s hurt, he’s tired, he’s wrestling with GOD, but he doesn’t give up all night! You cannot give up…just keep singing.
At the moment in my life, things have the appearance of being rather difficult at times. My wonderful husband and I are on a journey with a destination in mind, but it seems that we keep being given these roadblocks that hold us back. I guess more than anything, I just want to learn to sing consistently, whether in good times or bad. I have to choose, to actually take action, and not give up. I refuse to live an ORDINARY life.
Honestly now, singing to a cow in the Andes Mountains is hardly ordinary :)
Imagine in your mind’s eye a long, winding road going upward into the tropical mountains that you would see in a “National Geographic” magazine. Almost entirely rock and steep tropical jungle brush to one side, but on the other side…let’s just say if you hate heights you don’t want to look down! There is no railing on the “drop off” side, and the road is just barely wide enough for only the smallest of vehicles to pass. Now imagine yourself on an old bus that holds about 20 people. It’s dank, it’s humid and sticky, and the driver is a short, elderly Spanish man with a large belly and missing teeth. Rather like being in a movie, isn’t it?
I don’t really remember our destination that day, but images of that dim-witted cow are forever burned into my memory. You see, we were going up on this winding road in our old bus, and there were two small cars behind us. There aren’t really road rules in Venezuela (or should I say, road rules aren’t completely followed there), so we were actually racing up the mountain road. There were eleven of us, all a bit enthralled by the country side but likewise quite nervous at the speed the bus driver was taking. We were just coming up to a tropical area when we felt a jerk and the back of the bus (where I was sitting) swerved off the road, over the cliffs to one side, and then back onto the road again! You see, a cow had come from the jungle and made it’s way down onto the road in front of us, and would not move for anything. We stopped sharply, as did the two cars behind us, and our journey was put on hold while we tried to get the cow to go back up into the mountains so that we could continue. My heart still races even thinking about it all! But it was definitely a great personal lesson to me.
This is what I’m dealing with currently that I’m sure everyone can identify with: How can I get by when things are piling up around me and I feel like I can’t make it over the mountain? Proverbs 15:24 says “The path of life leads upward for the wise…”, but what happens when your journey “up” comes to a screeching halt because of a road block? How do you continue the journey to your destination when something suddenly blocks your path?
“ ‘Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord. ” –Isaiah 54:1
In Isaiah, the Hebrew word for “barren” means incapable of producing life; sterile. There will always be times in life when we feel “lifeless” and “sterile.” But the scripture says here that the person who is barren should SING, should burst into song and shout for joy. Even when we don’t know how to continue, “singing” will always work to get us through.
When a person sings praises to God, they are less likely to give up because their focus is not on their circumstances, but on the beauty of the Lord. Singing isn’t necessarily being on “Idol” level, either. Just opening your mouth and declaring the good things in your life…the goodness of God…is enough to make the road blocks disappear. Every human also has a small amount of influence in someone’s life. So when we allow these roadblocks to hold us back, we also hold back the people who are following us.
Now quickly back to the cow story. You see, the greatest part of this story is that we finally got the cow to move…but only after our bus driver SANG to it! I know it sounds absurd, but our beautiful little Spanish bus driver realized that the cow wasn’t going to move by force, so he simply sang an old Spanish love song to the animal. Literally within seconds, the cow hustled off into the mountain again, and we were able to continue on our journey with the two little cars also following behind us.
Based on what I learned that day, here are three things that I’m learning to do to “sing” my way over that mountain:
1. Make a choice.
--Deut.30:20 says “therefore, choose life…” It’s simply a choice.
-- Isa.54:1 begins with a lack of life (barren), but after singing, it ends with abundant life (more are the children of the desolate woman..)!
Imagine what you’d miss if you DIDN’T choose to sing….
2. Open your mouth.
--Rom.12:11 “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the
WORD of their testimony…” If you are a Christian, then this promise is
for you! What is your “testimony?” How has Jesus changed your life?
What are all the good things that God has done for you? After you make a
choice, all you have to do is verbalize it to God (and to your enemy).
3. Don’t give up.
--In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestles with God and doesn’t give up. He’s hurt, he’s tired, he’s wrestling with GOD, but he doesn’t give up all night! You cannot give up…just keep singing.
At the moment in my life, things have the appearance of being rather difficult at times. My wonderful husband and I are on a journey with a destination in mind, but it seems that we keep being given these roadblocks that hold us back. I guess more than anything, I just want to learn to sing consistently, whether in good times or bad. I have to choose, to actually take action, and not give up. I refuse to live an ORDINARY life.
Honestly now, singing to a cow in the Andes Mountains is hardly ordinary :)
A Poem for my Husband
Here I stand at your feet
So beautiful on the mountains because of the news they bring
I would wash these feet as if they were my own
Care for them and encourage them to soldier on in battle
What an honor that they ran in pursuit of me...
Here I am at the corner of your eyes
Waiting for my favorite glance
Deep eyes alive with fire and authority
Learning to see the world as the Father sees.
May He guard this pair, and may I never make them stumble.
Here I am at the corner of your mouth.
Sweet lips that resound the only Name above all
And a smile that causes me to thirst that Name
I overflow when that chosen tongue speaks gently to me
Just as Hosea says our Lover spoke to His precious in the desert
Here I stand at the corner of your heart
That beautiful secret place where Life abides
I want to sink in the depths of that heart
So similar to mine as it beats the rhythm of our Creator
Loudly, our hearts cry out in unison to His song.
Here I am at the corners of your hands
Longing to feel them holding mine
I've watched as these hands built up the body
Watched, as you desired to bring healing and hope into the hearts of the people
Oh, that I would be the encourager of these God blessed hands!
Here I am, at the corner of you.
Encouraged by your eyes that see like Him
Desiring to touch the Bride with the same gentleness and truth of your words
Every corner of you that I come around leads me to thirst for More
And every part of me is glad for this friendship.
Here I am again in the embrace of the Father
Secure in my being and alive in His hope
Rejoicing in the passion set aflame in me by your life
Together we shall capture His glance, hold His hand, have His heart.
And may you know that I will always wash your feet.
So beautiful on the mountains because of the news they bring
I would wash these feet as if they were my own
Care for them and encourage them to soldier on in battle
What an honor that they ran in pursuit of me...
Here I am at the corner of your eyes
Waiting for my favorite glance
Deep eyes alive with fire and authority
Learning to see the world as the Father sees.
May He guard this pair, and may I never make them stumble.
Here I am at the corner of your mouth.
Sweet lips that resound the only Name above all
And a smile that causes me to thirst that Name
I overflow when that chosen tongue speaks gently to me
Just as Hosea says our Lover spoke to His precious in the desert
Here I stand at the corner of your heart
That beautiful secret place where Life abides
I want to sink in the depths of that heart
So similar to mine as it beats the rhythm of our Creator
Loudly, our hearts cry out in unison to His song.
Here I am at the corners of your hands
Longing to feel them holding mine
I've watched as these hands built up the body
Watched, as you desired to bring healing and hope into the hearts of the people
Oh, that I would be the encourager of these God blessed hands!
Here I am, at the corner of you.
Encouraged by your eyes that see like Him
Desiring to touch the Bride with the same gentleness and truth of your words
Every corner of you that I come around leads me to thirst for More
And every part of me is glad for this friendship.
Here I am again in the embrace of the Father
Secure in my being and alive in His hope
Rejoicing in the passion set aflame in me by your life
Together we shall capture His glance, hold His hand, have His heart.
And may you know that I will always wash your feet.
Potter's Wheel (Poetry)
I thought about you just now and I smiled.
What a precious union are we two;
Both moist pieces of clay, lost in the eyes of the Potter
placed near one other on the same wheel called Life.
Used by Him to sculpt each other,
we can powerfully inspire those around us.
Much more than we could ever imagine;
this is what the Potter wants to do with us!
Only He knows what shape we will finish at.
And until the day that we dance with destiny,
may we only cling to the Potter's fingers
and do nothing more but draw one another
to the form of His hands.
So today as I turn again to the eyes of the Potter
You, next to me on this wheel
I give myself completely to His shaping
and I give Him Praise for this gift of Us.
May the Potter form this precious union
to create life around it and within each other.
This is what makes me smile...
What a precious union are we two;
Both moist pieces of clay, lost in the eyes of the Potter
placed near one other on the same wheel called Life.
Used by Him to sculpt each other,
we can powerfully inspire those around us.
Much more than we could ever imagine;
this is what the Potter wants to do with us!
Only He knows what shape we will finish at.
And until the day that we dance with destiny,
may we only cling to the Potter's fingers
and do nothing more but draw one another
to the form of His hands.
So today as I turn again to the eyes of the Potter
You, next to me on this wheel
I give myself completely to His shaping
and I give Him Praise for this gift of Us.
May the Potter form this precious union
to create life around it and within each other.
This is what makes me smile...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
What do you Want?
I’m reading this book by Erwin McManus called “Wide Awake,” and I cannot tell you how inspired I am just after the very first chapter. Such revelation…challenge…thoughts…I supposed it’s just what I need at this season of life.
“Your dreams are God’s way of whispering into your soul, ‘There’s more to you than you know. There’s more available to you than you can imagine. There’s an extraordinary life awaiting you if you would trust Me.’” (page 22)
How amazing is the human heart? Just in reading those few lines, I am overcome by a flood of emotion: Excitement, fear, curiosity, a sense of value and purpose, and a small weight of responsibility. I guess the scariest part about it is that I am also left with the question, “What are my dreams?”
The Princeton Dictionary defines these types of dreams as: an ambition or cherished desire. Personally, I like the phrase “cherished desire” mostly because it appeals to your soul and makes you think more about your deepest longings and less about the things that you are “good” at. A dream isn’t even necessarily the thing that you want to accomplish in the next 5 years. What Erwin is referring to is that deep, mostly unspoken desire that no one but maybe your journal knows about…that “cherished desire” that makes your heart heat up and can make your stomach fall. Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking to myself, “Do I even know how to dream anymore?”
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, 4 that unless we are like little children, we will never see the Kingdom of heaven. Erwin McManus says that Jesus uses the children to make a point because children have imagination. Could it be that as adults, we have lost just enough imagination that we are unable to dream as we were created to dream?
In the book “The Last Battle,” the final of C.S. Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia” series, one of the main children called Susan never makes her way to Aslan’s undying lands because she has chosen “…nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on growing up” (page 506, “The Complete Chronicles of Narnia”). The thing that saddens me so much about Susan is that she had already been to Narnia. Susan had already partially lived a dream, but somewhere in her longing to grow up she forgot her imagination and gave into the distractions of the “adult” world.
God forbid that I am ever like Susan in this respect. I believe Narnia’s Lady Polly put it best: “Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one’s life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can” (page 506).
How many people rush to get into the “real world,” and then allow it to impose upon their soul’s greatest desires? Sadly for many of us, things like abuse and tragedy have robbed enough of our innocence to make us feel like our dreams aren’t worth much (if anything) at all.
But as Erwin McManus says, what if Jesus Himself stood before me and asked me to my face, “Mandy, what do you want?” What would I even say? Do I remember what my dreams are, or would I settle for asking Him to do something like pay off our credit card bills, or make me slimmer, or give Carston that sea kayak he’s wanted for ages? I say that these things would be settling because I believe that God wants me (and you) to dream BIGGER. The bigger I dream, the more He can show off!
This moment, I am thinking of what I would ask Jesus. One thought I have is for Him to alleviate poverty, sickness, abuse and starvation among children…that’s definitely a dream I have. But I sense His response: “NO Mandy, because then what part would YOU get to play if I just wave a magic wand? Mandy, don’t you get it…I want to USE YOU…and in using you, you are fulfilled.”
So what is my dream for me then? I think the answer is found in what makes me most alive.
Saint Irenaeus is known for having said, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Saint Irenaeus must have been talking about my friend Daryl. You see, Daryl is a powerful minister who moves quite “prophetically.” This means that Daryl hears from God pretty much all the time. It sounds crazy, but Daryl has a relationship with God that is so strong, God tells him encouraging things to say to people, mostly so that they can find healing for their hearts and come to know Jesus Christ. There is little as wonderful as when Daryl hears from God. He comes ALIVE…not like someone on speed or as if he’s had too many anti-depressants or anything like that. It’s more like the “life” you see when a 6 year old opens that much desired toy on Christmas morning, or the beauty and energy that you find on a wedding day. Sadly though, these two illustrations barely describe what I mean…
“The glory of God is man fully alive.” I believe that when Daryl ministers to someone in this way, God is brought great glory. But not because of the fact that Daryl is doing something for God; God is glorified because Daryl does what we was created to do. He was created to minister in this specific way, and I believe that I was as well. But our dreams for how we fulfil this are different. Likewise, some of my friends were created for business and not ministry, which glorifies God as well.
We can bring glory to God in many ways. But to be THE GLORY OF GOD…we have to find ourselves fully alive (like Daryl). And to be fully alive, we need a crazy trust in God and an imagination that allows us to dream, despite living in the adult world.
I’m still not sure what I “want,” but I do know that I do NOT want to be like Susan.
“Your dreams are God’s way of whispering into your soul, ‘There’s more to you than you know. There’s more available to you than you can imagine. There’s an extraordinary life awaiting you if you would trust Me.’” (page 22)
How amazing is the human heart? Just in reading those few lines, I am overcome by a flood of emotion: Excitement, fear, curiosity, a sense of value and purpose, and a small weight of responsibility. I guess the scariest part about it is that I am also left with the question, “What are my dreams?”
The Princeton Dictionary defines these types of dreams as: an ambition or cherished desire. Personally, I like the phrase “cherished desire” mostly because it appeals to your soul and makes you think more about your deepest longings and less about the things that you are “good” at. A dream isn’t even necessarily the thing that you want to accomplish in the next 5 years. What Erwin is referring to is that deep, mostly unspoken desire that no one but maybe your journal knows about…that “cherished desire” that makes your heart heat up and can make your stomach fall. Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking to myself, “Do I even know how to dream anymore?”
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, 4 that unless we are like little children, we will never see the Kingdom of heaven. Erwin McManus says that Jesus uses the children to make a point because children have imagination. Could it be that as adults, we have lost just enough imagination that we are unable to dream as we were created to dream?
In the book “The Last Battle,” the final of C.S. Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia” series, one of the main children called Susan never makes her way to Aslan’s undying lands because she has chosen “…nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on growing up” (page 506, “The Complete Chronicles of Narnia”). The thing that saddens me so much about Susan is that she had already been to Narnia. Susan had already partially lived a dream, but somewhere in her longing to grow up she forgot her imagination and gave into the distractions of the “adult” world.
God forbid that I am ever like Susan in this respect. I believe Narnia’s Lady Polly put it best: “Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one’s life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can” (page 506).
How many people rush to get into the “real world,” and then allow it to impose upon their soul’s greatest desires? Sadly for many of us, things like abuse and tragedy have robbed enough of our innocence to make us feel like our dreams aren’t worth much (if anything) at all.
But as Erwin McManus says, what if Jesus Himself stood before me and asked me to my face, “Mandy, what do you want?” What would I even say? Do I remember what my dreams are, or would I settle for asking Him to do something like pay off our credit card bills, or make me slimmer, or give Carston that sea kayak he’s wanted for ages? I say that these things would be settling because I believe that God wants me (and you) to dream BIGGER. The bigger I dream, the more He can show off!
This moment, I am thinking of what I would ask Jesus. One thought I have is for Him to alleviate poverty, sickness, abuse and starvation among children…that’s definitely a dream I have. But I sense His response: “NO Mandy, because then what part would YOU get to play if I just wave a magic wand? Mandy, don’t you get it…I want to USE YOU…and in using you, you are fulfilled.”
So what is my dream for me then? I think the answer is found in what makes me most alive.
Saint Irenaeus is known for having said, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Saint Irenaeus must have been talking about my friend Daryl. You see, Daryl is a powerful minister who moves quite “prophetically.” This means that Daryl hears from God pretty much all the time. It sounds crazy, but Daryl has a relationship with God that is so strong, God tells him encouraging things to say to people, mostly so that they can find healing for their hearts and come to know Jesus Christ. There is little as wonderful as when Daryl hears from God. He comes ALIVE…not like someone on speed or as if he’s had too many anti-depressants or anything like that. It’s more like the “life” you see when a 6 year old opens that much desired toy on Christmas morning, or the beauty and energy that you find on a wedding day. Sadly though, these two illustrations barely describe what I mean…
“The glory of God is man fully alive.” I believe that when Daryl ministers to someone in this way, God is brought great glory. But not because of the fact that Daryl is doing something for God; God is glorified because Daryl does what we was created to do. He was created to minister in this specific way, and I believe that I was as well. But our dreams for how we fulfil this are different. Likewise, some of my friends were created for business and not ministry, which glorifies God as well.
We can bring glory to God in many ways. But to be THE GLORY OF GOD…we have to find ourselves fully alive (like Daryl). And to be fully alive, we need a crazy trust in God and an imagination that allows us to dream, despite living in the adult world.
I’m still not sure what I “want,” but I do know that I do NOT want to be like Susan.
The Moon Photo
Carston took a photo of me on the north coast of NSW in Australia. The moon is out and full, and I'm standing beneath it with my arms stretched upward, giving the illusion that I'm holding up the moon with my hands.
I HATE this photo.
Growing up, I often heard my Mom and Aunts make the statement like "you must learn to be happy with yourself." It was often said in the context of weight or weight loss, and has stuck with me these 30 years. There is merit in this little statement; it's true to the extent that the weight will never stay off (ie. you'll never be happy) until you learn that your value is not in how you look. I can focus on the negatives (for example, my face looks horribly chubby in this "moon photo'') but then I am devaluing myself by missing the positives (like the fact that my smile is beautiful in the photo). Somehow though, I missed the positives that night. And as a result of being unhappy with myself, my precious husband was affected and slightly regretted taking the stupid photo.
Now I know that this situation is a ridiculous, extreme example of what I want to say, and I can assure you it does not happen regularly. But it did cause me to really start thinking about the fact that how we FEEL affects others, and especially affects how we LOVE others. It also challenged me to follow my Mom's advice and learn to be happy with myself—not for the only sake of my sanity, but also for the sake of others in my world (such as my husband). What I've found is that a person who isn't happy with himself will not fully understand the power behind truly loving another. The person's concept of "love" is skewed by how they feel about themself. I am convinced that most people unknowingly settle for "good love" in their relationships because they haven't learned to really love themselves. A person who has learned to love himself/herself has traded the ability to love in a good way for the enjoyment of loving greatly.
This is a whole other topic on its on, but keep with me for a moment as I go down another trail (a trail that has little to do with weight issues, before you think this is a self-esteem essay)...
The Bible says in Matthew 22:34-40 that Jesus' greatest commandment is for man to love God, and then love his neighbour as himself. As an adult, I certainly realize the difficulty in loving my neighbour. I work in a café and don't love all of our customers. My literal neighbour who lives in our building stole a whole box of washing powder from our laundry room, and I don't love her very much right now. There's a person at my church that I avoid at parties because "love" is the furthest word from what I actually feel for them! Even as I write this, there's an annoying teenager outside that I would love to chuck raw eggs at (not a very loving action in most cultures).
So I guess here's the real dilemma for most of us. We have little idea how to really love ourselves (often a more private, secret problem), and loving others tends to conveniently infringe upon our "rights" as humans…that was sarcasm….so we take the easy road and hide our dislike for ourselves while we justify our inability to love others with baloney philosophies that give the appearance that we are caring for ourselves. And the sad truth is that when we act in this way, everyone misses out. We are enabled to keep hiding our unhealthy dislike for ourselves, and others miss out on the beauty of being loved by us.
Was Jesus giving us a command that is impossible to follow when He said to love God and love others? Much of the world can't work out how to love itself, much less truly love those around them even when they desire to do so. It's an example to a much lesser degree, but I couldn't even be happy with a photo of myself! The great apostle Paul gives some insight in Romans 7:15-25, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do….for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out…what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I'm not quite sure how this works….sometimes I feel like it is fairytale magic or something…but God transforms us. He makes all things possible, even love. Jesus says in John chapter 15:5, "apart from me, you can do nothing." And Paul has the beautiful revelation in Romans 8:1 that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (some translations say that Jesus set us free from "a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death"). 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we are "new creations in Christ, the old is gone and the new is come."
I think it is best worded in 2 Peter 1:3: "His [Jesus'] divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." The answer is in Jesus, who has made a way for us to love. And God, in His goodness, even covers our backs because Paul tells us in Philippians 1:6, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." He's still working on me, which means I don't have to be perfect, even in the way that I love!
Imagine a lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of how you feel about yourself or about others. I lost the battle for myself that night when I looked at the "moon photo," but by God's grace I can daily choose to remember where to find my value. And whether I am learning to love myself or my "neighbours," I know that apart from Him, I can only refrain from throwing raw eggs at teenagers heads or keep myself from jumping over a café counter to punch rude customers in the nose. Thanks to Jesus I can openly admit that I don't always like myself…and I can also love others even when I don't love myself.
I still hate that photo, but it has reminded me that Jesus is the only way to be free to enjoy a full life of great love.
Besides, I don't think I could jump high enough to clear the counter anyway.... :)
I HATE this photo.
Growing up, I often heard my Mom and Aunts make the statement like "you must learn to be happy with yourself." It was often said in the context of weight or weight loss, and has stuck with me these 30 years. There is merit in this little statement; it's true to the extent that the weight will never stay off (ie. you'll never be happy) until you learn that your value is not in how you look. I can focus on the negatives (for example, my face looks horribly chubby in this "moon photo'') but then I am devaluing myself by missing the positives (like the fact that my smile is beautiful in the photo). Somehow though, I missed the positives that night. And as a result of being unhappy with myself, my precious husband was affected and slightly regretted taking the stupid photo.
Now I know that this situation is a ridiculous, extreme example of what I want to say, and I can assure you it does not happen regularly. But it did cause me to really start thinking about the fact that how we FEEL affects others, and especially affects how we LOVE others. It also challenged me to follow my Mom's advice and learn to be happy with myself—not for the only sake of my sanity, but also for the sake of others in my world (such as my husband). What I've found is that a person who isn't happy with himself will not fully understand the power behind truly loving another. The person's concept of "love" is skewed by how they feel about themself. I am convinced that most people unknowingly settle for "good love" in their relationships because they haven't learned to really love themselves. A person who has learned to love himself/herself has traded the ability to love in a good way for the enjoyment of loving greatly.
This is a whole other topic on its on, but keep with me for a moment as I go down another trail (a trail that has little to do with weight issues, before you think this is a self-esteem essay)...
The Bible says in Matthew 22:34-40 that Jesus' greatest commandment is for man to love God, and then love his neighbour as himself. As an adult, I certainly realize the difficulty in loving my neighbour. I work in a café and don't love all of our customers. My literal neighbour who lives in our building stole a whole box of washing powder from our laundry room, and I don't love her very much right now. There's a person at my church that I avoid at parties because "love" is the furthest word from what I actually feel for them! Even as I write this, there's an annoying teenager outside that I would love to chuck raw eggs at (not a very loving action in most cultures).
So I guess here's the real dilemma for most of us. We have little idea how to really love ourselves (often a more private, secret problem), and loving others tends to conveniently infringe upon our "rights" as humans…that was sarcasm….so we take the easy road and hide our dislike for ourselves while we justify our inability to love others with baloney philosophies that give the appearance that we are caring for ourselves. And the sad truth is that when we act in this way, everyone misses out. We are enabled to keep hiding our unhealthy dislike for ourselves, and others miss out on the beauty of being loved by us.
Was Jesus giving us a command that is impossible to follow when He said to love God and love others? Much of the world can't work out how to love itself, much less truly love those around them even when they desire to do so. It's an example to a much lesser degree, but I couldn't even be happy with a photo of myself! The great apostle Paul gives some insight in Romans 7:15-25, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do….for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out…what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I'm not quite sure how this works….sometimes I feel like it is fairytale magic or something…but God transforms us. He makes all things possible, even love. Jesus says in John chapter 15:5, "apart from me, you can do nothing." And Paul has the beautiful revelation in Romans 8:1 that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (some translations say that Jesus set us free from "a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death"). 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we are "new creations in Christ, the old is gone and the new is come."
I think it is best worded in 2 Peter 1:3: "His [Jesus'] divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." The answer is in Jesus, who has made a way for us to love. And God, in His goodness, even covers our backs because Paul tells us in Philippians 1:6, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." He's still working on me, which means I don't have to be perfect, even in the way that I love!
Imagine a lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of how you feel about yourself or about others. I lost the battle for myself that night when I looked at the "moon photo," but by God's grace I can daily choose to remember where to find my value. And whether I am learning to love myself or my "neighbours," I know that apart from Him, I can only refrain from throwing raw eggs at teenagers heads or keep myself from jumping over a café counter to punch rude customers in the nose. Thanks to Jesus I can openly admit that I don't always like myself…and I can also love others even when I don't love myself.
I still hate that photo, but it has reminded me that Jesus is the only way to be free to enjoy a full life of great love.
Besides, I don't think I could jump high enough to clear the counter anyway.... :)
Beautifully Flawed
Wow…I realized today, Saturday the 29th of December 2007, that I am truly flawed.
I had brunch with my dear friend Kia today. We often try to meet up once a week or at least a fortnight to chat about life. I love meeting with Kia because it’s one of those great friendships that’s just not hard (well, it shouldn’t be hard after having shared a room for two years and going through some pretty personal stuff together). I always enjoy meeting up with Kia, and today was much overdue.
We chatted about all sorts of things….or should I say I chatted about all sorts of things. However, it was at a specific point….45 minutes into the meeting after all my eggs were gone and she had licked all the yoghurt off her spoon while I played with the burnt crusts of my left over toast and our skin tingled as it baked in the beach sun…. when I realized that my meeting with Kia had been just that. MY time with Kia. I found myself asking her (finally) how she was doing and if she enjoyed Christmas and how long her break was for and what Church service she’d be at over the weekend and if she was planning on going to be on the beach all of that afternoon. I didn’t feel guilty or obliged (I love Kia and was genuinely interested in her day), but that’s when it hit me. The revelation was quite firm and heavy, yet a refreshing wave that came crashing down on me…I am flawed.
Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that I haven’t spent 29 years thinking that I am perfect. In fact, I’ve probably spent my first 19 years of life thinking that I was screwed up. I went on to spend the next 5 years thinking that no one could see my imperfections if I just became a “leader” in Church, or a pastor or minister of some sort (yes yes I know, flawed AND daft), and then I spent the last 3 years in Australia struggling to renew my mind and unravel the heavily twisted knot of lies that I had always been told and believed about myself….especially the lie that I had something to prove to make up for my failures. So when I say at age 29 that I am “flawed,” what I’m really saying is that I am actually learning to be FREE.
I had a conversation awhile back with my amazing husband about our sin nature. I remember quoting something that I had heard at one of my past Churches back home that I thought was quite profound. The quote, which I was certain would impress my husband, actually showed the measure to which I believed lies in my heart. The quote, which I had thought brought me freedom, actually confirmed a lie that I had believed about my identity in Christ. Since that time, while I’m sure my amazing man has prayed for my “lights to come on” so to speak, I have wrestled with pride.
Perhaps author Beth Moore puts it best: “The most effective means the enemy has to keep believers from being full of the Holy Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves.”[1] Jeremiah 49:16 says that the pride in your heart deceives you. I always thought that being “full of yourself” meant either thinking too highly of yourself (conceit or vanity), or putting down on yourself (false humility). But what I’ve been learning lately is that our heart deceives us when we fight in our own strength to hide or justify the very thing that Jesus died to set us free from….our flawed selves.
Too much of my life has been spent trying to prove that I am “above” my flaws, hence putting a pressure on myself that has often had me internally tied in knots, even literally sick in bed. Somehow my mind knew that I was flawed….but the lie I had believed said that since I am now a “saint” in Christ (and a Church leader at that), I was only expected to sin occasionally. As you can imagine, this is hellish torture for someone as selfish as me! And I use the term “hellish” because that’s exactly where the lie and torture belongs…in the pits of hell.
I’ve also been reading a book called “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller. If you haven’t read it, you simply must. This book is a God-send for me because the author is so incredibly real. Personally, I’ve never lied about my failures; I’ve just learned to manipulate and use my flaws to make me appear to be “real,” therefore a more noble “leader”, which then (in my twisted thoughts) somehow may prove to others that I am “ok” despite my failures….if that makes sense. Little did I realize that I was metaphorically returning the chains to my wrists and ankles that Jesus had already taken off of me. “God’s most liberated servants are those who also know they have nothing to prove” (Beth Moore again).
I just read Romans chapters 7 & 8 with new eyes. “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good but I cannot carry it out…What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
As one of my favourite pastors once spontaneously shouted out at me in a Bible College lecture, “YOU WILL STUFF UP! YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES! Your only hope is GRACE.” And it’s because of this grace that I can say over and over again, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed!
I’m really glad that I had brunch with Kia today. I’m glad my husband has been praying for me, and I’m glad for books like “Blue Like Jazz.” I’m glad that I can admit to you that I’m selfish. I can openly say that I usually think about my own pleasures, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation, and I often worry too much what others think of me. I am FLAWED…and that fact makes Jesus (and myself) so much more beautiful to me J
[1] Beth Moore’s book “Praying God’s Word,” page 57.
I had brunch with my dear friend Kia today. We often try to meet up once a week or at least a fortnight to chat about life. I love meeting with Kia because it’s one of those great friendships that’s just not hard (well, it shouldn’t be hard after having shared a room for two years and going through some pretty personal stuff together). I always enjoy meeting up with Kia, and today was much overdue.
We chatted about all sorts of things….or should I say I chatted about all sorts of things. However, it was at a specific point….45 minutes into the meeting after all my eggs were gone and she had licked all the yoghurt off her spoon while I played with the burnt crusts of my left over toast and our skin tingled as it baked in the beach sun…. when I realized that my meeting with Kia had been just that. MY time with Kia. I found myself asking her (finally) how she was doing and if she enjoyed Christmas and how long her break was for and what Church service she’d be at over the weekend and if she was planning on going to be on the beach all of that afternoon. I didn’t feel guilty or obliged (I love Kia and was genuinely interested in her day), but that’s when it hit me. The revelation was quite firm and heavy, yet a refreshing wave that came crashing down on me…I am flawed.
Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that I haven’t spent 29 years thinking that I am perfect. In fact, I’ve probably spent my first 19 years of life thinking that I was screwed up. I went on to spend the next 5 years thinking that no one could see my imperfections if I just became a “leader” in Church, or a pastor or minister of some sort (yes yes I know, flawed AND daft), and then I spent the last 3 years in Australia struggling to renew my mind and unravel the heavily twisted knot of lies that I had always been told and believed about myself….especially the lie that I had something to prove to make up for my failures. So when I say at age 29 that I am “flawed,” what I’m really saying is that I am actually learning to be FREE.
I had a conversation awhile back with my amazing husband about our sin nature. I remember quoting something that I had heard at one of my past Churches back home that I thought was quite profound. The quote, which I was certain would impress my husband, actually showed the measure to which I believed lies in my heart. The quote, which I had thought brought me freedom, actually confirmed a lie that I had believed about my identity in Christ. Since that time, while I’m sure my amazing man has prayed for my “lights to come on” so to speak, I have wrestled with pride.
Perhaps author Beth Moore puts it best: “The most effective means the enemy has to keep believers from being full of the Holy Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves.”[1] Jeremiah 49:16 says that the pride in your heart deceives you. I always thought that being “full of yourself” meant either thinking too highly of yourself (conceit or vanity), or putting down on yourself (false humility). But what I’ve been learning lately is that our heart deceives us when we fight in our own strength to hide or justify the very thing that Jesus died to set us free from….our flawed selves.
Too much of my life has been spent trying to prove that I am “above” my flaws, hence putting a pressure on myself that has often had me internally tied in knots, even literally sick in bed. Somehow my mind knew that I was flawed….but the lie I had believed said that since I am now a “saint” in Christ (and a Church leader at that), I was only expected to sin occasionally. As you can imagine, this is hellish torture for someone as selfish as me! And I use the term “hellish” because that’s exactly where the lie and torture belongs…in the pits of hell.
I’ve also been reading a book called “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller. If you haven’t read it, you simply must. This book is a God-send for me because the author is so incredibly real. Personally, I’ve never lied about my failures; I’ve just learned to manipulate and use my flaws to make me appear to be “real,” therefore a more noble “leader”, which then (in my twisted thoughts) somehow may prove to others that I am “ok” despite my failures….if that makes sense. Little did I realize that I was metaphorically returning the chains to my wrists and ankles that Jesus had already taken off of me. “God’s most liberated servants are those who also know they have nothing to prove” (Beth Moore again).
I just read Romans chapters 7 & 8 with new eyes. “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good but I cannot carry it out…What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
As one of my favourite pastors once spontaneously shouted out at me in a Bible College lecture, “YOU WILL STUFF UP! YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES! Your only hope is GRACE.” And it’s because of this grace that I can say over and over again, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed!
I’m really glad that I had brunch with Kia today. I’m glad my husband has been praying for me, and I’m glad for books like “Blue Like Jazz.” I’m glad that I can admit to you that I’m selfish. I can openly say that I usually think about my own pleasures, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation, and I often worry too much what others think of me. I am FLAWED…and that fact makes Jesus (and myself) so much more beautiful to me J
[1] Beth Moore’s book “Praying God’s Word,” page 57.
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