Wide Awake

When I realized a few years ago that being called to “full time ministry” may not look like what I imagined, I thought the best way to “build the Kingdom” was simply to pour my life and spare time into volunteering. I thought that working part time in a café and spending all extra time serving at Church would not only fulfil me, but would also be the deciding factor of whether or not I was living a “full life” (and maybe even get me onto a Church staff). My greatest desire the past 4 years has been to live extraordinarily and not to settle for ordinary living. Somehow though, I allowed myself to believe that “extraordinary” could only be attained by diligently serving a Church structure (in a Christian bubble) until one day the desires of my heart would “magically” come true. This works for some because God does honour our faithfulness. But for me, getting out of the bubble and turning my heart toward GOD instead of ministry has been the key.

Slowly but surely, God has taken me on a journey of finding out why He created me and how He wants to use for His glory the things that I’ve always enjoyed doing. Somewhere along that path I realized that although I love the Church and believe that she (as the body and bride of Jesus) is the hope for humanity, I personally am created to do something outside of the walls and structure of the Church. I will serve the Church, believe in the Church, and support the Church with my finances. But I fully understood today, for the first time in years, that I am an ARTIST, created to colour my world with brighter colours than those with veiled eyes have ever seen! This is the desire of my heart, and I am finally wide awake enough to see that this is what “full time ministry” looks like for me.

Erwin McManus says in his book “Wide Awake” something that really grabs my heart. He says, “Every time you refuse to leave the world in the condition it is in, you are re-creating. Every time you extend yourself to make someone else’s life better, you are part of the creative process. You are adding beauty to the most important of all canvases…Creativity isn’t the luxury of artists; it is the calling of humanity. Because the world is in decay, you must create…Creativity is the natural result of spirituality. When you are alive, you will create—and it will be breathtaking and life giving.” (page 176).

I’m beginning to see that my function in this body of Christ is more about helping those with veiled eyes to see their own lives in colour. I want to keep introducing new hues to them, speak purpose into them, and let the Holy Spirit use me to teach them. Due to the way God made me, I would suffocate by being confined to only building a large canvas or mixing paint or restoring old masterpieces. I long and ache to be the artist who goes into the dirtiest, darkest parts of humanity and begins to paint with the brightest colours known. I want to be the writer commissioned by the Church to go into the most dangerous parts of nations and change the story of the people. I want to write a new history….I yearn to paint over the dark shades with brilliant new tones. I will point them in the direction of the Church and bring them in to be restored and hang in the gallery of the saints. But my greatest desire is just to meet with them in their own dark gardens and help them see beauty; not to build a canvas for them or get them included in a museum.

So for me, “extraordinary” looks like re-creating the world by focusing my passions, energies, and talents on what is in my own heart. Extraordinary means stepping back from some of my volunteering at Church to do other things. One of these things is risking my greatest fear (rejection) in order to work on writing something that will change someone’s life. It means using my spare time to paint canvases that will raise money for AIDS orphans and HIV positive women in Africa. It means learning Spanish fluently so that my husband and I can some day minister to the people group that is most on my heart. It means letting go of a fear of what “leadership” thinks of me so that I can live out what I know the Lord thinks of me.

It’s funny how even the colours in my own garden look so much brighter when I’m living wide awake….